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Peer Assistance | Mentoring | Coaching | Join the Peer Resources Network
The Mentor News (March 3, 2006)
TOPICS
CHALLENGING QUESTIONS FOR MENTORS In most training programs for mentors the curricula focuses on their ability to understand and support the partners with whom they interact. A common element of most mentor training manuals, for example, is an emphasis on listening skills and an admonition to stay in the listening role and refraining from giving answers or advice. But what happens when the partner directly asks, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" "How would you handle this situation?" or "What do you think I should do about this?" In other words, what happens when the mentor is being challenged to supply an answer or some advice? This is not an uncommon situation. As a long-time trainer, leading mentor training sessions and as a mentor, I've often been asked one of these questions. And I've also been the person to ask such questions when I've been the partner. Whether we are facilitating a training session or acting as a mentor, we are bound to be asked directly to switch out of our listening and supporting role and move into our expert or advising role. "Where you are within your own career development will often determine how you respond," one trainer pointed out. In his experience, there is a tendency for the novice to move immediately into the "expert" role and supply an answer to such questions without really even understanding (or enquiring about) the intention or motivation of the questioner or even really understanding the meaning of the question itself. "The novice is eager to demonstrate expertise," the trainer stated, "which is typically not the need of a person further along in his or her career development." But is withholding that expertise the answer? For example, should the mentor turn the question around and ask the questioner, "What would/should you do?" or "How do you feel/think about that?" My favorite example of this very situation was portrayed in the cancelled, but very funny TV-series, "Ellen," starring the comedian, Ellen DeGeneres. In one episode Ellen is laying prone on the office couch, talking to her psychiatrist, played by the wonderful comic actor, Harvey Korman. As she is telling him her woes and troubles and getting no response, she lifts her head and sees that 'Dr.' Korman has fallen asleep. She coughs; he wakes up; and she says, "You were sleeping." "No, I wasn't!" he quickly replies. "If you weren't sleeping," she asks, "what did I just say?" In one of the greatest responses to parody our profession, 'Dr.' Korman replies, "What do you think you were saying?" Some experts believe it is important to understand more fully what the question asker's intention or motivation might be. "Find out where the person is coming from," was one suggestion. "It could be that the person wants to really express his or her own opinion or viewpoint, or the person may be just building some confidence to share something that contrasts with what has been discussed so far." "Regardless of the questioner's intention," another list member said, "it's important to respond in a respectful way. Turning the question back to the questioner can backfire and create some hostility. I've had mentoring partners get pretty mad and tell me (when I've asked them to reflect on their own question) 'Hey, you're the expert, you tell me; that's what I'm seeing you for!' or 'I thought you were going to provide me with some real answers; not just psycho-babble!' or 'What difference does it make what I think; management isn't going to change!'" Maybe the questioner's annoyance or hostility reflects frustration with not getting his or her needs met through the interaction. "Maybe," says one experienced mentoring group leader, "the annoyed expression of one participant reflects what others in the group are experiencing, but are not yet confident enough to express." At the same time, the partner of a mentor may be feeling that his or her expectation about the relationship has not been met. In other words, understanding the purpose of the question, the context within which the person is asking it, and what he or she hopes to achieve through the answer by the mentor can provide considerable guidance to the practitioner about how to respond in a way that adds rather than detracts from the learning as well as the quality of the relationship. The skilled mentor can use such questions to engage the individual or group, discuss group norms or individual expectations, provide individualized feedback, connect the questions to the mentoring group objectives, or use the questions to develop new topics that may have even more relevance for the interaction. I like responding to the kind of "how would you handle it" or "what would you do" type questions. I've heard them many times, and I've developed a way of responding that demonstrates respect for the questioner, increases the likelihood of meeting needs, and strengthens our relationship. Typically I like to know the context, circumstance, or situation that has prompted the question. Sometimes I can determine this from the demeanor, tone of voice, or other non-verbal cues. In other words, I make an "assessment" of our interaction to determine whether the questioner is truly ready to listen to an answer or possibly has some other agenda in mind. I also like to check out whether the question asker has any ideas or feelings of their own on the topic. I refer to this phase of the process as the "invitation" or "story-telling" phase. This may take more than a single question to assist the other person to gain confidence to talk about his or her own views in front of experts, colleagues or peers. Sometimes in this invitation phase I like to find out how my answers might be valuable and what my answer might help them do or think. "From what you've told me so far about yourself, you've been in the job for three months. You're asking me, who has been doing the job for 32 years, what I would do. I think I could better answer the question, if you supplied me with more context." "Tell me more about your situation, so I can frame my response more accurately." After I've fully learned about the context (or story), and I truly understand the questioner's deeper level intention, I'm very open to sharing my perspective, idea, feeling, experience or reaction. I call this step the "disclosure phase" of responding. With this step my current practice and what my experience has taught me separate themselves from my early professional training in clinical and coaching practice. For the most part, this type of disclosure by a practitioner is still considered "de rigeur" or taboo. While such a prohibition may be appropriate for some clinical practices, it does not fit the mutuality of mentoring. Most importantly, when I do share my ideas, actions, and feelings, I always conclude my disclosure with what can be called the "soliciting" phase. In this step I solicit from the questioner his or her reaction to my disclosure. I ask, for example, how what I said fits, matches, or is different from what they think, feel, believe, or experience, and then I listen closely to the response. In other words, I switch gears from talking to listening. These five simple steps (assess, invite, disclose, solicit, and switch gears) have been very helpful whenever I experience a challenging question in a mentoring relationship. I'm able to respond in a genuine, non-defensive manner, typically meeting both the question asker's needs and my own needs, and, on occasion, the needs of others participating in our interaction. Being able to demonstrate regard and respect for the people I work with and maintain integrity in our relationship are characteristics that have great rewards. Steven Spielberg (motion picture director) mentor to Robert Zemeckis (motion picture director) ~ From Famous Mentor Pairings ~ CD-ROM WITH COMPASS AND THE PEER BULLETIN Do you know someone who could benefit from becoming a member of the Peer Resources Network? Although you are receiving this free newsletter every 45-60 days, members of the Peer Resources Network receive a monthly newsletter, the Peer Bulletin, with additional information, practical tips, announcements, mentor program descriptions, funding opportunities and job openings in mentoring and mentoring research summaries every month. Dr. Larry Fleinhardt (played by Peter MacNicol) mentor to Charlie Eppes (played by David Krumholtz) on the TV-show, Numb3rs, on CBS. ~ From Famous Mentor Pairings ~ MENTORING CONFERENCES and EVENTS National Conference of Business Mentoring USE MENTORING LITERATURE TO GUIDE PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE Allen, T.D., Lentz, E., and Day, R. (2006). Career success outcomes associated with mentoring others: A comparison of mentors and nonmentors. Journal of Career Development, 32, 3, 272-285.
Axelrod, E., Campbell, G., and Holt, T. (2006). Best practices guide in mentoring youth with disabilities. Boston: Partners for Youth with Disabilities, Inc.
Ellinger, A.D. (2002). Mentoring in contexts: The workplace and educational institutions. In C.A. Hansman (Ed.), (Information Series No. 388, pp. 15-26). Columbus, OH: ERIC.
Mentor/National Mentoring Partnership (2005). How to build a successful mentoring program using the elements of effective practice: A step-by-step tool kit for program managers (2nd Edition). Alexandria, VA: Author. Complete with a CD-ROM filled with evaluation forms and handouts, this powerful, comprehensive guide to virtually every aspect needed for successful youth-based mentoring is an exceptional document. In down-to-earth language, this newly revised and updated manual reflects the latest in quality mentoring research, policies and practices and includes more than 160 tools and templates. Designing, planning, managing, structuring and evaluating are covered in such depth that it's unlikely that anyone engaged in a youth mentoring program will need any additional resources even though it lists more than 100 references to additional resources. (Available to Peer Resources Network members at no cost by emailing Rey Carr.) Moses, B. (November 11, 2005). Mentor match: Choose one right for you. Globe and Mail, C1+.
Watson, J. (December, 2005). Help wanted: Mentors. Forbes.com. Retrieved December 23, 2005 from www.forbes.com
Buddy Guy mentor to Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, and Mark Knopfler. ~ From Famous Mentor Pairings ~ CHAMPIONS OF MENTORING The International Mentoring Network Organization (IMNO) was started by three university students when the trio discovered the value of gaining mentors by selecting people they respected and then engaging in dialogue through interviews. The procedure was so successful the young founders of IMNO decided to provide this opportunity for thousands of others. The IMNO provides the results of interviews with specialists and experts from around the world and solicits suggestions for future interviews to be placed on the site. Visitors can submit questions to add to a scheduled interview, suggest the names of potential mentors to be interviewed, or become a mentor. Recently IMNO created a very unique way to highlight mentoring. They have created a way to auction mentors on eBay. Through the "Get in Their Shoes" campaign, IMNO has established a way for people to bid on the following opportunities:
We encourage you to show your support for IMNO and bid for the items of your choice. Go to www.ebay.com and search for "Get in Their Shoes" or go to www.getintheirshoes.org. All the proceeds from the auction will go towards IMNO, an official 501c3 non-profit organization, so that its services will continue to remain free to everyone. If you have ever thought about helping IMNO grow its non-profit work, please help us now by bidding for the items of your choice. Mario Lemieux (NHL Hall of Fame player) mentor to Jaromir Jagr (NHL player and leading scorer) ~ From Famous Mentor Pairings ~ JOIN THE PEER RESOURCES NETWORK Do you know someone who could benefit from becoming a member of the Peer Resources Network? Although you are receiving this free newsletter every 45-60 days, members of the Peer Resources Network receive a monthly newsletter with additional information, practical tips, announcements, mentor program descriptions, funding opportunities and job openings in mentoring and mentoring research summaries every month. In addition Peer Resources Network members receive toll-free coaching and consultation for all mentor program development issues as an additional benefit of membership. Members also receive print versions of Compass: A Magazine for Peer Assistance, Mentorship and Coaching. This magazine has become the only advertising-free, professional, peer-reviewed publication on mentoring, and is filled with timely articles and practical suggestions from experienced mentor program leaders. The Peer Resources Network is a non-profit organization and is sustained through memberships. The low fee for a one-year individual membership is $75.00 and the fee for an institutional membership, which allows up to five people to share a full membership, is $140.00 for a year. We even have a student rate of $32.10/year. For more details on the benefits as well as a secure online form to sign-up, go to http://www.mentors.ca/PRN.html. Louis Sullivan mentor to Frank Lloyd Wright ~ From Famous Mentor Pairings ~ The Mentor News is a free publication of Peer Resources, 1052 Davie Street, Victoria, British Columbia V8S 4E3 Canada. Back issues are available online. To subscribe or unsubscribe send an email to info@mentors.ca. If you know of anyone who might benefit from receiving this newsletter, please pass it on. (All items in this newsletter have been selected or adapted from The Peer Bulletin, a paid subscriber publication for members of the Peer Resources Network. Copyright is held by Peer Resources.) |
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